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February 24, 2004 on 11:35 pm | In Blogger |

and it’ll be a gay little state

Diff eq’s test tomorrow…blah, yay for screwedness.

So, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, and I was talking to my sister on the phone, and she was like, “what are you giving up for Lent this time around?” To which I was like, “erm, well, the truth is, I’m not going to church at the moment.” Giant discussion ensued (for those of you who don’t know my sister, she’s quite, er, Catholic). It’s not that she was judging me or anything, but I think I definately scared her/was a threat to her.

Okay, sorry people, but I’m just not feeling very Catholic as of late. Those of you who knew me during high school know that I have been an agnostic for a long time.

Last year I was starting college. I was trying stuff. Exploring new things. Or rather, I was trying to rediscover something familiar from childhood, perhaps out of homesickness? In any event, Father Wayne was an amazing priest, and he inspired me…I’m not sure if it was spiritually or if it was intellectually or if it was just because I liked his approach to life, but he had a certain sense of spirituality or self-assuredness that many human beings lack, myself included.

And while I really like the Catholic community here, let me just say that I began to feel hypocritical for going after awhile. Great as Fr. Wayne was, he was also very Catholic, though not as fundamental as many priests are. I’m not accusing Fr. Wayne of being anything short of himself…he was amazing for all the reasons listed, and if anything, that’s why I went to church. But even one person shouldn’t be a reason to go to church, and I began to doubt myself more and more, particularly while in Tucson, when I didn’t go to church at all.

Last semester was different yet again…I felt like I was dragging myself to church. And when I came to that realization after Fr. Wayne’s memorial mass, I found that I don’t have enough reason to go anymore.

So, all I ask of you guys is to let me continue exploring. To me spirituality is about discovery–that may or may not involve a god. I’m not saying modern science is the answer…I’m just saying some sort of human enlightenment is the answer, an enlightenment some may discover traces of by accident, but humankind may never as a whole find.

But whatever it is, it is worth living for. And if you know what it is, please tell me.